Isn’t it ironic how freedom can be as simple as a makeup less face and greasy hair?
I told Johnny a couple days ago to quit playing with my mane because it was making it messy and greasy.
Uh.
Ok?
I felt myself get insecure at a trendy store so I didn’t smile or really make eye contact in an effort to fit in.
I wanted to be invisible.
Overseas I always smiled.
Tried to always make eye contact.
Why?
Why not?
But here….
Here it’s so easy to compare. To feel insecure or not cool. And yet.
Being different is what sets us apart. Gives us an avenue to tell someone why.
So what gives?
Maybe I’m withholding full surrender stateside because it’s scary to let loose and let God.
Control
Pride
Expectations
Money
Power
Culture
Fashion
All things that muddy the water and make the release seem more bitter than sweet.
But transformation, especially in the sense that God calls us to, has drama.
Not Real Housewives of New York wig pullin, polo bashin style.
But where there is transformation, there is life interrupted.
I’ve been getting offended a lot lately. The angry customer at work, my family saying this or that, my boyfriend telling me I need to apologize about a comment I said in passing to my sister.
It all hurts my feelings and it all pisses me off.
So last night I just cried.
I think they were angry tears.
Maybe even a few “poor me” drops but if anything it was just me and Jesus and I was at the end of my rope.
Because I can’t do life without Him.
And maybe I’ve been trying to.
I got home and started a ministry that fights sex trafficking, began a new job, moved to a new city, surrounded myself with a new community and remembered the life I once lived and realized I’ve drastically changed.
and in the midst of the new, put God on the side rather than flat out in front.
And when that happens its easy to get overwhelmed, offendable, annoyed and selfish.
So I say, no more.
I’m tired of trying to maintain things on my own. So in the words of Carrie- Jesus take the freakin wheel.
My heart’s breaking for what breaks Yours as I see the tragedy of Kenya unfold.
I ate at Artcaffe in Westgate mall a mere five months ago.
Lord I’m sorry I’ve let my inability to float in the streams of American life drown out my ability to see what is around me.
Transform me, God.
Heaven down, inside out.
I don’t want to be grumpy and dumpy.
And in all honesty, I’m not as miserable as it sounds.
But ya know when you’ve tasted His goodness on “that level” so everything in you craves more of Him at any cost?
That’s where I am. In desperation, pleading for my Savior to fill me to overflowing that carries me from glory to glory. So that transformation doesn’t end with me but rather begins and leaks out into the environment God has me in for this season.
Amen.