Growing up I imagined that by the time I hit my mid-twenties…
I’d have a degree under my belt and a ring on my finger.
Possibly a couple kids on my hip…
and a job that pays a hefty amount.
That I’d have my sacred circle of tight friends and
that I’d have this whole Jesus thing figured out.
Today I woke up with the subconscious expectation that since the calender hit
the anniversary of my birth…
that my ducks would fall into a row.
I awoke with a stuffy nose and a throbbing headache…
hit with the hard reality that I am not at all in the place I expected to be.
I’m back in my parents house.
Job searching with a two year degree under my belt.
No relationship in sight…
Much less babies on my hip.
Friendships seeming to waver with the wind…
and when it comes to this whole Jesus thing…
The more I know, the more confused I get.
And if I’m honest… I’m horrible at following Him.
My flesh is a beast and I fall prey to the ways of this world far too often.
I often want to give up.
There have been multiple times in my life that
I’ve asked the Lord to take this cup from me.
I’ve been mumbling that prayer under my breath recently.
There is so much pain and hurt and shame in my heart
that it’d just be easier for it to be over.
The good news is…
there is always restoration and redemption.
As soon as I give up in my mind…
He reminds me of truth.
One of my favorite things about life is that healing is always coming.
Recovery always takes place.
Joy always returns.
I look back to some of the hardest times of my life…
Dark, dark times…
and get butterflies when I see how with time Christ has raised me from that death.
Yeah it was painful and it took awhile…
but new breath was breathed into me.
I was given grace and strength to get up out of bed in the days to come.
Not only to get out of bed but to face the day with joy.
Laughter filled my life, and peace my heart.
He heard my screams for help and He met me there.
Somehow I often fall back into the pits that I once found comfort in.
I know the Lord has a huge call on my life…
hence why Satan is constantly breathing down my back.
I sat on the beach on New Years Day and decided that my new years resolution was to survive it.
Defeat filled my head as I watched the waves slam over the rocks.
I am not a survivor.
As super spiritual as this sounds…
I’m a freaking conqueror.
Not only will I survive it but I choose to breathe deep and
let Him use me more than ever this year.
I trust that He’ll restore this tattered heart of mine.
And that I’ll rise.
I too often put him in a box and think that my actions reflect his feelings towards me…
When ultimately my actions put me in a box.
When I’m shameful I bypass His presence…
Leaving me empty and hating my life.
This year I want to find beauty in the little things.
In the sweet old ladies face at the grocery store.
At how the shade of the trees hit the concrete.
At the fact that breathing is involuntary.
At the beauty I find in redemption.
At the joy I find in family.
This year I want to give Him all of me.
Every dusty corner that I’ve covered.
Every achy piece of my heart from the past.
Every ounce of shame that holds me back.
Every question that I have about him…
Every question I have about my own heart…
I only want what he wants for me.
I want what he wants this year…
But I’ll start with today.
Mark my words.
My 24th year…
Will be the best year yet.