I’m at war.
A full blown bloodbath is taking place as we speak.
I have chosen to be naive to this war…
But now I’m smack dab in the middle of it and I’m not okay with it.
I have finally accepted that walking with Jesus isn’t pretty.
It’s not comfortable.
It’s not rainbows and butterflies.
It’s not prosperity and protected.
It’s nasty.
It’s damn hard.
I’m angry.
I’m past the point of dodging bullets from the enemy…
It’s time to depend on the Lord to fight for me.
If I’m honest I have nothing to fight with…
nothing to protect myself with on my own.
I have believed this lie in my head that I can live for Him
and still have pieces of my heart to myself.
A lie that says I can still say what I want and ultimately do what I want
and cling to the people I want
and have the Lord on the side…
Hobby-like…
That concept of Him has been blown to smithereens.
If that’s my life… I might die.
I might curl up in a hole and die.
I can’t do this life in my own strength.
I’ve come to the point that I seriously need Him.
Every freaking hour…
every moment…
I need Him.
My flesh is a beast.
Half of me is literally on the prowl to feed my flesh.
The other half is absolutely desperate for His presence.
War.
And I can’t feed both sides.
It’s humanly impossible to have the best of both worlds.
Satan has seen my tendencies to run back and forth from The Lord and from the ways of this world…
So he knows how to attack.
He knows when to kick me and when to throw certain things at me.
He knows when I am most prone to clinging to others instead of my Creator.
This war is in full force but it needs to be known
that I know what the enemy is up to.
It needs to be shouted from the rooftops.
I’m not going to blame coincidence or karma.
I am seen as a threat.
I have a voice and a passion for chains to be broken…
So naturally there is an unseen army freaking the hell out.
But.
I choose to go all in.
I choose to believe that The Lord is fighting for me when even though
I can only see the advances of the enemy.
I choose to believe that He is a good Father regardless of how I feel.
I choose to believe He’s fighting for me even when I feel betrayed and left and hurt.
I choose to pursue Him even when I feel back-stabbed and anxious and appetite-less.
I choose Him.
His comfort. His affirmation. His love.
I choose the plan He has for me even though right now that doesn’t seem at all
as appetizing as what I can cook up in my fleshly mind.
I choose to trust Him even when I feel like my character is being challenged.
I choose to be affirmed by Him when I want to run to others to fill that hole.
I choose to wake up in the morning
and look Him in the eyes and commit to being on His side regardless of how I’m feeling.
I’d love to say that living for Jesus makes things pretty… but it’s not.
I’ve never met anyone who is truly seeking His face that is living in total ease.
Where there is surrender, opposition is expected.
Through all this muck and confusion and pain…
I know that He is good.
I know that He is the only thing that will satisfy.
So here it is, Father.
Take this cup. Fight for me.