I’m currently sitting at a campground in the middle of Georgia.
The air is humid and the ground is muddy.
It’s a riot just attempting to get from the chapel to the dining hall down the hill.
There has been a constant downpour for days.
My hair is frizzy and my heart is heavy.
This week is World Race training camp.
There are a couple hundred future racers here…
trotting through the physical mud but also the mud in their hearts.
People from all sorts of backgrounds.
All different families.
Abuse. Heartache. Struggle. Insecurity.
I see a clear resistance upon both participants and staff alike.
I feel the same resistance in my own heart.
The spirit of God is all up in this place…
but the flesh is so strong.
Giving up fleshly desires is the hardest thing that a person has to do.
I sat in these seats almost three years ago…
preparing for my own World Race.
I was the girl on the back row with my arms crossed.
It took everything in me not to hop on the next plane out of here.
I was terrified what others would say if they knew the true condition of my heart.
I was terrified to think about what it would truly look like if I were to give up my own desires.
I had for so long found all my identity in my flesh.
My desire for everything in this world that wasn’t of Him.
I was the girl sneaking off in the woods and smoking cigarettes…
Just to be rebellious.
Just to maintain a facade that I wasn’t going to give in to this super spiritual thing.
Three days in to training camp, a speaker got up and spoke directly to my soul.
Every word she spoke was as if the very word of the Lord.
I sat there with tears in my eyes. I couldn’t stop staring at her.
She spoke my life to me.
All of the insecurity and pride and shame that I felt in that moment melted away.
I nearly suffocated in His love.
I heard him whisper that my sin is not too much for Him to deal with.
There are so many people around me currently that are hitting the same place.
Sliding through the mud. Not knowing if they will make it.
I feel as though I’m hitting it again.
I’ve realized in just two days serving at this training camp
that I will never hit that point of contentment with the Lord.
I’ve come to the conclusion that this life sucks…
and I will constantly be struggling.
I’ll always have sin in my life that needs to be dealt with.
I look around and feel so small as I see people acting as if their life is perfect now that they know the Lord.
Hell no, my life is so hard now that I pursue him.
Life was so much easier when I was apathetic and did my own thing.
I am so thankful that his grace is new every single day…
It just gets exhausting.
Sometimes I wish I could just block out His conviction and do my own thing.
Today, I realize I am just a measly sinner in need of a constant Savior.
Yes, the world race came and went.
Yes, I held babies that were dying of HIV
and looked into the eyeballs of prostitutes begging for the attention of any passerby.
I have preached to hundreds of people in distant villages
and whispered bible stories over orphans in the middle of Australia.
On paper it seems as if my life is a pretty little missionary
But truly deep down my heart is sick.
My flesh is a beast that needs to die daily.
The only thing that gets me through the day is that Jesus freaking did this thing.
He was human.
And was tempted and tried and hated his life too.
It was so hard for him.
But, he overcame.
He depended on every single word from the Lords mouth…
and made it.
So, that’s what I choose to do.
I choose to cling to the breath that spoke me into being until this crazy life is over
and I get to bump in his presence forever.
So, it’s okay to hate your life.
You’re not alone.
We aren’t made for this world.
Take heart, he’s overcome it.