My First Trip to Nicaragua
I spent three months in the drab, dusty farming city of Esteli, Nicaragua in the fall of 2009. As one of the most important cigar-producing cities in the world, miles and miles of tobacco fields surround Esteli, but I was in the city when I met an American soldier. I was eating and resting in a restaurant with a couple friends. The building was air conditioned and air conditioning was rare in Esteli and we rested in the cool air until it was time to leave. We paid for our meal and walked towards the exit. I heard in a Spanish accent, “What’s up, man?”.
I turned to a man that looked to be in his thirties. He had a deep scar under his eye. He sat in an uncomfortable way that was obvious he had back problems. He was not smiling when I saw him. I nodded my head and continued to walk, figuring he had too much to drink already and wanted to mess with some gringos. “Hey man, come here,” he said. “I’m an American.”
Speaking with a young man yet to be rescued
One of my jobs for the World Race is speaking with applicants hoping to venture on the 11 month journey. I talk to them about the challenges in their life, both past and present, and I listen as they talk about their struggles.
Today, I spoke with a young man that grew up in a Christian family. He went to church when he was young and from the outside had been a pretty good guy his whole life. On the inside, there was turmoil. He had no idea what to do with his life. He analyzed everything, then he over-analyzed everything, and to the point of depression. He relied on Adderall so often that he wasn’t able to do things he wanted to do, and eventually, it kept him from his dreams.Near the end of college, he re-dedicated his life to Jesus! He was saved! Immediately, all his troubles – his anxiety, his depression and stress – it all went away. Or, that’s what we assume happens when the poor, lowly, lost sheep finds the light.
In reality, his condition worsened. He couldn’t help but over-analyze every aspect of God’s character, the Bible, and God’s will for his life. Instead of healing, bringing Jesus into the picture made life even more difficult for him. His life became even heavier than before, like weights on his shoulders, and his mind grew tired from the thinking that he couldn’t end. He knew Jesus was the answer, but couldn’t figure out what he was answering.
If there’s one thing that will wreck you, it’s war
He gave a loud whistle to the bartender, one only acceptable in Latin America, and ordered four beers. He was odd but kind to us. He shook our hands and invited us to sit. He asked what we were doing in Esteli and told us that his family was Nicaraguan but he was born in the US and traveled back and forth between his two homes most of his life. He laughed with us. He popped the cap off our Toñas and picked up the check.
A few years before he had joined the US Army. He told us he spent a year in Iraq. He was due to report back to his base the following week to be re-deployed. Then the conversation changed. The laughter ended and the kind words and his expression changed. He stared at me – a deep stare, not into my soul, but an attempt to let me see into his. I can still picture that stare. “I don’t want to go back, man,” he said. “I’ve seen things.” He drew out the word things and he pointed to his eyes as he stared with the scar right below.
We sat at his table as he told us war story after story. With the completion of each story he looked more intense and sounded a little more crazy. The only story I recall was a checkpoint search with his best friend. There was a woman pushing a baby stroller. He searched the woman but not the stroller because there was a baby inside. The stroller exploded. He saw his friend disappear before his eyes. “I’ve seen things,” he said with a Spanish accent, the word things drawn out.
The Secret Pain of Christians
Every day I hear stories from unsaved Christians. I hear the pain of people who have given their life to Jesus and are still waiting for him to come to their rescue. In the meantime they do their best to be good and patient, they attend church with smiles and can recite a verse for every problem man has ever faced. Then they speak with me and I ask them questions no one’s bothered to ask before. They talk about the depression. With difficulty, they discuss their anxiety, addictions, the suicidal thoughts that their church and their smiles kept hidden.
Jesus is not the cure-all to the problems of the world. He’s not interested in that. He desires for you to know him and then to follow him into the tough, dark, concealed places in your life. He doesn’t desire a struggle, but he came to bring life, healing, and if that means an ugly, messy journey then he’s promised to not give up halfway through.
I’m starting to be able to recognize the unsaved Christians from the saved. It’s not because the saved Christian looks better than the unsaved. Quite the opposite, actually. It reminds me of a man that has just joined the military. He’s young, strong and smiling and the uniform is clean. He’s excited to be a soldier. He has yet to see the battlefield.
There’s a rough edge to the saved Christian. There’s a scar under the eye. Sometimes they look uncomfortable, in a way that’s obvious they’ve been through some pain. It’s not pretty and nice. Neither was Jesus. But they’ll look you directly in the eyes. They’ll tell you they’ve seen things. They’ll tell you about their pain, raw and honest, and about their Jesus who set them free. It is with arrogance that we refer to non-Christians as ‘unsaved’. How many Christians do you know that are truly set free and rescued? It’s time to reach out to the unsaved. It’s time for Christians to live fully alive, having walked through the field of battle, bruised and scarred but not defeated. No longer bound by fear or the pain of the past.