I cried myself to sleep last night.
Not a cute little “it’s been a rough day” types of cries…
but the type where I moaned aloud that I didn’t want the sun to come up…
because honestly, I didn’t want to face another day.
I cried because I’m lonely.
I’m surrounded by a sea of people in my everyday life…
people who love me dearly…
Yet at the end of the day, even with a stuffed household, I feel alone.
I do it to myself though.
For some reason, I run from intimacy.
I have a ton of friendships all over the globe, but I keep them at an arm’s length.
I’m a runner.
As soon as someone is truly getting to know me… I emotionally peace out.
My best friend used to gawk and say…
“For someone who doesn’t like to exercise, you sure do run a lot.”
We would laugh.
Then she left.
She couldn’t handle my sporadic, shallow friendship.
Or the fact that it took months for me to be truly honest about my struggles.
She couldn’t handle seeing me continually run from intimacy.
And now she’s gone.
We haven’t talked in two years.
I let her go…
It was one of the hardest things in my life.
I’ve typed up many emails and cried into my pillow many nights…
but my insecurity tells me that I even if I fight for our friendship, it won’t be redeemed.
Last year I was pursued by a man who anxiously pursued the Lord in all he did.
He never backed down.
He fought for me and prayed for me and waited for me.
As soon as I let it sink in that he was indeed serious…
I couldn’t fathom someone seeing my flaws and still loving me.
So I did what I was good at.
I ran like the wind.
It’s so bizarre though…
because I’ll easily be the center of attention in any room…
And write in a raw manner…
and share my testimony at the drop of a hat…
but as soon as the depths of me are known on a personal level…
I don’t know how to be known.
I hate this most about myself.
But if I’m honest, it’s clearly an insecurity of a much deeper problem.
I am fearful of truly being known by the Creator of the universe.
I’m afraid that if I truly let Him see my faults over and over again…
That He’ll be done with me.
I know it’s false, but that’s how the enemy has been messing with me recently.
I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of constantly dealing with the same thing.
I’m tired of hearing the enemy’s voice over the Lord’s.
I’m tired of running.
I’m tired of hurting friends.
I’m tired of not letting myself be worthy of pursuit.
I’m sick of living out of insecurity.
I’m sick of waiting for someone to leave, or that gut instinct to run.
My broken heart tells me it’ll always be this way.
My insecurity tells me I’ll always be a runner.
My sin tells me running is the only way to survive.
The enemy tells me I’m destined to be lonely.
But Christ tells me I’m His and He’ll never stop fighting for me…
and that’s enough for me to breathe easy this fine night.
I sat with tears in my eyes looking out over a lake today.
I felt Him tell me that this is almost over.
That the valley is coming to an end…
and JOY is headed straight at me.
Not just a temporary joy…
but an everlasting joy that I won’t be able to keep in.
So although I’m puffy eyed and lonely,
I’m expectant and ready.