Life has been a blur in recent months.
With working 40 hours a week to taking 18 hours of school,
there hasn’t been much time for anything, really.
That mixed with trying to find community, trying to sleep and rest and be…
life is chaos.
Life is even more chaotic because I haven’t given the Lord attention in months.
My journal has random scribbles in it…
and my Bible is suffocating under junk in my car.
I’ve neglected the core desire of my being.
Because of the recent chaos, I haven’t written.
I could sit here and write about a ton.
I could write about my trip to Ireland this summer and how it was awesome, yet made me realize overseas missions isn’t for me anymore.
I could write about my broken heart for my addicted, atheist brother… yet I just distance myself from him instead of loving him with a fierce love.
I could write about my millions of questions about the Lord and the Church and “Christians.”
I could write about how I suck at responding to emails and texts and phone calls.
I could write about the many friendships I need to resolve,
and broken relationships I need to apologize for.
I could write about the time I got a 44 on a test this week because I neglected studying…
or how since moving downtown, my depression has increased because I hate starting over.
I could write about the transgender person I work with that only wants to do dishes in the back because she doesn’t want to be seen… and how mad at God I’ve become for her.
I could write about how I hate my body but hide behind it.
I could write about how I cut my hair and I’ve been insecure since because I’m prideful and it’s ugly.
I could write about how easy it is to still chill with a mask on regardless of the beautiful, intimate friendships I have surrounding me.
I could write about my past relationships and how they reflect me running from God.
I could write about how people at work and school don’t know I’m a believer, because my actions don’t reflect it.
I could write about how it’s taken me 6 months to form a blog because I’m prideful, and I don’t want anyone to know that I’m in a weird season.
But, this is my confession.
I suck.
I suck at being a writer.
I suck at being a friend.
I suck at being a sister.
I suck at being a Christ follower.
I need to be more open.
With myself.
With you.
With Him.
I need to breathe more.
I need to be more.
I need to write more.
Even when I don’t want to… I need to.
I need to make time for my sweet siblings,
and listen to His gentle voice.
I need to love on people deeper.
I need to speak of the things he’s done in my life,
and live and love in a way that shows HIM to those around me.
It’s hard, because He can’t be seen.
Faith is weird and hard…
and honestly speaking, I don’t want to work for it.
But I need it.
Because life is miserable without Him.
So.
Cheers to more.
More community.
More worship.
More writing.
More of Him.
Less of me.
If you’re in the same boat of not being where you want to be, you’re not alone.
There’s a big ol’ party of us in this boat.
Let’s jump out though.
There’s so much more life to be had.