In the past 24 years, I’ve learned many lessons the hard way.
I’ve learned that when you lie, you’ll be found out.
I’ve learned that partying until wee hours of the night result in flunking classes.
I’ve learned that getting blonde highlights in black hair makes you look like a clueless skunk.
I’ve learned that running away from home makes you look like an idiot when you return.
I’ve learned that gas station coffee is just as delicious as 6 dollar coffee.
I’ve learned that cigarettes don’t make you seem as badass as you may think.
I’ve learned that wearing a mask to church is pointless and only hurts more in the end.
I’ve learned that I shouldn’t trust everyone that walks into my life.
The last one… is a freaking hard lesson to learn.
I live my life with my arms wide opened.
I love to be there for people.
I love vulnerability.
I love to love.
I love to be loved.
While all of those are good things…
When it comes to vulnerability, it must be protected.
Vulnerability mixed with immaturity results in…
Pain. Rejection. Heartache.
I’ve been a pro at protecting myself from a lot recently.
This sin or that sin.
But when it comes to protecting myself from friendships…
I didn’t even know.
That warning was nowhere on my radar.
How could something so good and necessary be something I needed to guard myself from?
I find power in my testimony…
I find power in vulnerability…
So upon meeting new people I open up quickly.
I’ve shared deep parts of my heart and parts of my story prematurely
that should be shared and trusted with few.
But, I love deep chats, coffee dates and vulnerability.
Those who approach me with deep pain and insecurity,
I want to hold them, encourage them, cheer them on.
It seems so stellar…
But that easily opens me up the door to abuse and unhealthy friendship.
I have been left more times than I can count on my stubby fingers and toes.
I can honestly say that these days, I enter friendships expecting to be left.
Looking back on my life,
I have thrown around the phrase “best friend” to a lot of people…
but truly having deep friendships with few.
I prostitute my heart out to anyone and everyone that needs a friend…
instead of protecting the depths of me and investing in few.
Many people have walked in and out of my life because they’ve been burnt.
I let too many people in and don’t have time or energy to invest in all the
friendships I selfishly start.
Recently I have had a handful of people leave and it’s broken my heart more than anything.
A friend of mine often speaks of her “sacred circle.”
A select few people who know her deeply.
That know her inside and out and stay.
That know her character and fight for her.
That go out of their way to feed their friendship.
That stay up all night to wipe her tears and intercede for her.
That she trusts with her life.
And vice versa. She knows them. She fights for them. She wipes their tears.
My heart yearns for a sacred circle.
How foreign it seems, but I trust that He will form one.
I chill in Proverbs sometimes when I don’t know what else to read
and there’s a verse in chapter 18 verse 24 that slams me.
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
I’ve skimmed over that in the past,
but ever since looking around at my vanishing shallow friendships…
I’ve realized how damn good of a friend the Lord is.
When I’ve curled in a ball and wept in the past few weeks…
there has been a presence that no human being could ever bring.
I have felt comforted and intimate with Him.
I have felt loved on and truly known.
I have felt fought for.
I have felt adored and accepted.
It took me being hurt and rejected and left
to realize that he is my one and only.
He’s not just my Father or a Beloved
but He’s my friend.
It may seem cheesy but I have gained a new best friend.
And I couldn’t be more thrilled that my best friend breathed Creation into being.
It’s funny to me that anytime I’ve ever been wrecked,
He’s swooped in and wooed me into a deeper romance with Him.
I love that He takes everything and makes it beautiful.
Cheers to longer coffee dates with fewer people.
Cheers to trusting Him with my entire heart.
Cheers to being romanced by the Creator of the universe.