Today I woke up in a funk.
My room felt like Antarctica…
and the last thing I wanted to was exit hibernation and face the day.
I rolled over and checked the time on my phone…
and realized I had a text from someone in my past that is not in my life anymore.
Someone who spoke a lot of death in my life
and took a lot of innocence from me…
both emotionally and physically.
Someone that broke me from the inside out.
I instantly felt dizzy…
and sorry for myself…
and insecure…
and I honestly felt like the broken insecure girl that I used to be
crawled out from under the bed and took over my body.
A simple text catapulted me into a broken girl who wanted to crawl in a hole.
Not facing anything…
Wallowing in self-pity.
A few hot tears streamed down my face and I rolled back over.
After a few minutes…
I mumbled to my roommate what happened.
And she looked me dead in the eye and said “delete that and get up and get ready for your day.”
So I did.
I shook it off and headed to the hospital with a friend
for a follow-up appointment from her surgery last week.
As I walked into the empty waiting room…
I was overwhelmed.
It hit me hard that the people that surrounded me were there because they didn’t have control over
what was happening to their bodies.
They were cancer patients and people who have been through apparent trauma.
Young and old alike crowded in this place for checkups or surgeries or follow ups.
My heart ached for the people around me.
After the doctor’s office we hopped in the car and headed to work.
The drive was the typical and mundane.
As we drove, I saw an excessive amount of black smoke pounding into the air.
It wasn’t one of those sights that looked like someone was burning leaves.
It definitely wasn’t a chimney or a factory.
It was strange.
My heart dropped a little.
As soon as I made the connection that it wasn’t just a bonfire…
Sirens stung my ears and all the vehicles on the road scattered into driveways and side streets.
We pulled up on a little dirt road and parked.
Adrenalin busted through my veins but my heart was hurting.
A dozen fire trucks and cop cars and ambulances flew into the neighborhood.
We could see that it was a home that was up in flames.
I ached as I watched firemen throw their hats on and run full force to the blaze.
My mind was racing…
Someone just lost everything…
To something out of their control.
My problems are so little.
I drove off deep in thought.
I woke up this morning feeling like my life was spinning out of control…
Pitying myself about something that is long gone…
something that does not control me anymore.
Something that the Lord has broken me free from.
My problems are tiny.
The worst thing that happened in my day was Satan attacking me through my past?
Praise the freaking Lord for health and that my house is still standing
and that my family is safe.
Praise the Lord that I have a roommate who can look me in the eye
and remind me of the strong woman I am and to get up
because that’s not me anymore.
I now know what the Lord means when he says in 1 Corinthians to take our thoughts captive.
He doesn’t just say that because He can.
It’s like he bends down to my ear and in a sweet faint whisper says…
“Darling, take those captive… Those aren’t from me. You’ve been set free.”
There are a ton of things out of our control.
Like house fires and cancer.
But for the things I can control…
I choose to control them.
I’m not any less free than I was when I laid my head down last night.
I refuse to be held captive by my thoughts.
There are bigger things to do in my day.
I choose to take captive the thoughts that once imprisoned me.