Right now…
I could have all of the money in the world and it wouldn’t satisfy me.
I could drink myself into a slumber…
and have all the sex in the world…
and cover my body in tattoos…
and be the center of attention for eternity…
and I’d still be empty and miserable.
I could end human trafficking with my bare hands…
and get 143,000,000 orphans adopted into a safe home…
and feed every single hungry person on the planet…
and I’d still be longing for something deep within.
I could marry prince charming and have a perfect 9-5 job…
And perfect little brown haired and blue eyed babies…
with a six digit paycheck and a little picket fence…
and I’d still feel an emptiness that is indescribable.
I could get prayed over by Mother Teresa and Billy Graham
and still want more.
I could live in a house with all of my best friends
laughing and having the times of our lives…
I could have a constant caramel macchiato in my hand
and have my dream writing job…
and I’d still be dissatisfied.
I could memorize the bible…
and listen to every sermon ever recorded…
and have a constant stream of worship music playing in my ears…
And I’d still possess a deep longing for more.
WHAT THE HELL.
The other day, I was asked what I’d want to do with my life if money wasn’t an issue…
I sat there silently…
Nothing coming to mind.
Honestly… I’m over it all.
My passion is out the window.
I’ve been insecure that I suck and my heart is made of stone…
But that’s a lie from the pit of hell.
My heart is finally coming to the conclusion that nothing I could possibly ever do on this planet will satisfy me.
Legit, NOTHING.
I have come to the end of myself.
It’s not a depression.
Or a laziness.
It’s a deep dissatisfaction for anything but Him.
If I’m honest…
I’ve whored myself to the ways of the world.
Yearning for intimacy and fulfillment
and at the end of the day I’m freaking empty and blah.
Desperate for something more.
There are no words to describe it.
I want Him.
I have no idea what that means…
But I do.
I’ve tasted only an ounce of Him.
On an intimacy scale, I’ve barely held his hand.
I want more.
I don’t want the world.
I don’t want to keep distracting myself with orphans and passions and dreams
when my heart isn’t completely and utterly consumed by Him.
I’ve cluttered my ears with words about Him
And journal pages with hopes and dreams and visions….
But it’s worth nothing if I don’t seek Him in my inmost being.
I don’t know what it looks like to truly seek Him with all of me…
But, I desire it.
I’m begging him to show me.
I know that my dreams and passion and desire is gone like the wind…
but I can’t help but think it’s for a reason that it beyond me.
I can’t help but think it’s because he wants to replace MY dreams with his own.
Dreams that I can’t even fathom up in my own little head.
Yeah, I’m a mess.
And feel like I have nowhere to go and nothing to push for…
But deep down I know it’s exactly where he wants me.
So cheers to being aimless.
I’m pumped to see what’s to come…
things that I can’t even wrap my head around.
Although I’m currently as empty as a drum, I trust He will fill me to the brim
and I can’t even freaking wait.