Growing up a preacher’s kid, I knew how to fake the whole Christian thing.
I knew the ins and outs of the well-known scriptures and how to discuss them in a seemingly righteous manner…
I went on all the church trips and threw my hands up at the more popular parts of the worship songs.
I knew how to play the part and I played it well.
Growing up I rebelled and ran in the opposite direction
until I fell on my face and legit surrendered my life to Him a couple years ago.
A deep peace was implanted in my heart in that moment that has changed me for life.
But, sometimes I still wonder where the hell God is.
I know that he is good because that’s what the bible says.
I know that he is ever-loving because that’s what is preached…
But I have recently found myself more frustrated with Him than comforted by Him.
The last two months I took up residence in Swaziland, Africa.
It was two of the driest months I have ever lived through.
I would anxiously seek His presence and I received nothing in return.
For 56 days I sought his face and begged for more of Him but it was as if he was a million miles away.
As I looked into the 16 year old girls eyes and heard her speak of the man who got her pregnant, I brokenly wondered where God was.
As I passed by the hundreds of orphans a day who were curious where their next meal would come from, I humbly wondered where God was.
As I prayed day after day for healing for a mother of 4 who was dying of cancer and came back the next week to her lifeless body…. I angrily wondered where God was.
As I looked into the broken eyes of a mother who buried her 7 year old son after her husband hung Him, I achingly wondered where God was.
As I read news of people being kidnapped and raped and murdered on a daily basis I wonder where He is.
Is it too much to ask to ask for more of Him?
Not only in the big horrific moments but also in the small moments
like getting on my face desperate for His presence and in turn feeling nothing…
As if I’m talking to a stone wall.
I know the churchy answer that “this world is just broken…” But does it really have to be this broken?
I know He is sovereign… but why can’t His redemption speed up a bit?
I know that He will one day have justice on this messed up world… but why can’t it be sooner?
Why can’t he put us out of our misery and just show up and save the day?
We are nothing without Him… and as of right now I feel left in this crazy world without a Savior.
Although I am empty and upset and seeking,
I will sit here and wait for Him.
I know what it’s like to dive head first into the sick ways of this world
and it left me even emptier than I feel now and because of that…
I will hold fast to His promise.
At least with this there is a hopeful ending.
Until then, I’ll sit here with my heart wide open and beg for His presence.