I wish I could say the extent of my life being wrecked was when my dog ran away when I was 8.
But, it’s not.
I lived a beautiful life growing up. My parents loved the Lord so much that it reflected in their marriage and overflowed into their love for us. They poured their lives into keeping us protected from the junk in this world.
I received Christ when I was seven. Although the gospel was constantly poured into me throughout my childhood, I still lived in fear that I would burn in hell if I died. Because of this, I said “The Prayer” four times after that… getting baptized two of those times. I was terrified I would never be good enough.
Little did I know, I wouldn’t.
Getting to college I was exhausted with the pursuit of trying to earn my salvation and it never paying off.
Instead of running to God… I ran from Him.
Don’t worry though, I still put on the happy face. I still led a small group and lifted my hands in artificial surrender for the world to see.
I spoke of the Lord like I knew Him. I quoted Bible verses, prayed out loud and put a smile on as if I had it all together.
On the outside I was the preacher’s kid who never met a stranger and loved her life.
No one knew that I secretly hated my life.
No one knew that I often slept all day, too hungover to get up for class.
No one knew that I carelessly gave my heart and body away and yearned to have it back.
No one knew that I looked in the mirror and bawled because all I saw were flaws.
No one knew that I often threw up because I felt it was my only release.
No one knew that I was screaming out for help without making a sound.
I found myself face down on my dorm room floor one day. Done with it all. Tired of the fight.
Sobbing and begging for the Lord to meet me there because everything else had left me empty.
“God if you’re even real, here’s my heart…change it.”
In that very moment… he did.
It wasn’t one of those crazy God moments that I saw angels out of the the corner of my eye or anything…
but I was given the strength to pick myself up off that cold floor, take a deep breath and face my life again.
From there I came clean to my parents and decided I needed to do something bigger with my life.
Something bigger than the pursuit of a degree in a career that I didn’t really want anyway.
Just a few months later I found myself on the World Race… finally being wrecked for something outside of myself.
I was now wrecked for what I saw.
I saw myself in the orphan, feeling abandoned by God.
I saw myself in the prostitute, finding fulfillment in the ways of this world.
I saw myself in the street boys, pretending to be strong but secretly just wanting to be loved on.
Everywhere I looked, I saw myself.
Because I was once there, I was able to love with a different kind of love.
I know that He let me go through what I did so that today, I can tell you that it’s okay.
He loves you regardless.
His love isn’t based on emotions…
but a fierce passionate unwavering love that cannot be earned.
So for that, I’m thankful.
I’m thankful that losing my dog when I was 8 wasn’t the extent of my wreckage.
I’m thankful that I truly met Jesus on that cold dorm room floor.
I’m thankful that I lost myself and in that, found life in Him.