By Kailee Sosnowski
I crave the “life abundant”
that Jesus speaks about.
If I were to be honest with myself,
I would have to admit
that in my life at this time,
I have not even begun to scratch the surface
regarding what that even means…
Let alone what it would look like.
At what point does one transition
from merely existing
to living a full, richly rewarding, abundant life?
what does that look like,
for the believer?
I haven’t the faintest idea.
what makes me feel the most alive?
I know later on in life,
I will look fondly upon my twenties
as the years in which
I, as an individual, was formed.
(at least that is my hope.)
but living in the midst of so many questions,
so many opinions
(both formed and not)…
none of this has been particularly exciting for me.
Over the last several weeks,
I find the story of Jacob
wrestling with God
coming to mind again and again.
That is kind of how I feel about life right now.
I feel as though I am consistently wrestling with God.
There is Life
fully-lived and realized and embraced
to be lived.
I second-guess myself.
I become fearful, I become hesitant
and I put limitations
on my dreams
and my realities.
I wrestle with the idea
that God dreams bigger for me
that I dream for myself.
I wrestle with what it means to be a good witness;
to have a life that bears evident fruit…
to be in the world
and yet not of it.
I wrestle with religion.
with rules and restrictions,
“have tos” and weighty expectations that hinder
the life that Jesus has called His people to–
versus a life of humble obedience to the commandments meant to be kept
in unabashed love for the Christ,
that draw us to righteousness and holiness as He is holy.
“The the man said, ‘let me go, for it is daybreak.’
but Jacob replied, ‘I will not let you go unless you bless me.” (Genesis 32:26)
And I wrestle because I believe…
I believe in who He is.
I believe in what He died for.
And I believe that as a result,
I have been called to a rich, full, redemptive life
that has been touched by destiny.
“Then the man said, ‘Your name will no longer be Jacob,
because you have struggled with God and with men
and have overcome.'” (Genesis 32:28)
I have not the slightest idea what this may actually look like,
this life that I’m trying
(perhaps rather unsuccessfully)
to speak of.
I don’t know what it looks like for anyone,
let alone myself.
But I suppose that’s why I wrestle—
because I want to make certain
I spend my life
trying to figure it out.
Kailee spends the majority of her time living out of a suitcase, and most days is okay with that. When her feet are on the ground she resides in the Detroit area, and is surprisingly okay with that too. She believes passionately that everyone has a story to be told, and tries, with clumsy words, to adequately express the stories God gives her as well as those she has been honored to be a part of.