By Sarah Fujimoto
Yesterday I found out that a student at my school committed suicide. He jumped off the 8th story of his apartment complex to his death.
The reports flippantly state his suffering with severe depression, and the stark and alarming statements of his body being covered by a white sheet at the bottom of a bloody pool on the pavement.
It mentions that counselors are available from 8-5 to speak about the events and the respectable condolences. I left school after hearing about this through a classmate as well as perusing online reports. My heart ached and I found myself walking faster as to get to my car quickly before I broke down in the streets. Car door shutting, I began to weep. As I stared at the computer screen moments before, reading statements that described his reported sadness and how he told his one good friend in this whole city what he just did through a written letter, my heart sunk.
It sunk, it burned, it hurt. It was angry at injustice and the hearts, including my own, that have not loved to our full measure through knowing and accepting the purest love..yet instead abandon it through our own way, prideful efforts that didn’t feel so prideful.
I felt the weight of the situation, but in a way that had me engaged into the emotions of God, the deep sorrow and love He felt for this man, as well as this school, this community. His life mattered I felt Him speak to me. I felt Him also say that He knew Him too and that all was ok. I mean we can get into sovereignty issues here, but that’s not really the point I’m trying to stir up. I’m stirring up what was stirred in me, a very brutal look at my behavior and because of the conviction — not condemnation — that fell upon me… to speak and to love in every way I feel prompted to, to not reject back when I am in an atmosphere of rejection all around me, but to love as he would love and asks me to. When I get nothing in return. No thank you, no door held, but instead more harsh comments, more criticisms, and more doors slammed in my face. Yet the Lord says, do it again.
For though they may not understand, you understand things and I’m asking you to do these things and with an overflowing and joyous heart. Because it matters.
Though the past cannot be changed right now, I had to wonder if someone would have said something small to him that day, something encouraging, something that would have changed this man’s mind. You think?
The weight of our actions and words fell heavy upon me.
The worthlessness of all the things I put hope in that I did not see or think that I did, made me nauseous as I drove him. I literally felt sick as I wailed and cried out to the Lord for life and salvation and love to come over this school. And that I would be changed and raised up to proclaim His name in boldness and no fear, however he asks me to do so.
This morning I found myself being drawn to Philippians and I read about unity. About how the Lord would such desire that we would act in such a way, whether he would be looking or not(well, he is), and that he would see us acting in ways that are worthy whether we are seen or not.
A true family stands together and is held together in adversity, and continues on when their leader is gone for a time…coming back to see the different team members stepping up and working together in order to function and function well. Would the Lord, is the Lord pleased with us? Yes he loves, oh he loves us so, but is he sorrowful over the parts we do not see yet because we have become satisfied in our relationship with him instead of continuing to grow in love and in Him which ultimately gives us more revelation of who He is and how he sees and feels?
I wonder if He is sorrowful over how we bicker and banter over stuff that doesn’t matter just to prove our own point, or when we do not see what the other is saying because we want it to be all comprehensive, instead of garnishing from their perspective and point?
Would he be sorrowful by the way we judge others and how we love to our own demise. How we love by our actions but our hearts are far engaged, yet, we appear well-like a great loving and servicing person?
Wouldn’t our Daddy be pleased to see His children being of the same love? He cares so much that others are loved.
Sarah enjoys creating new things and old alike while traveling to new places. She enjoys art and restoration, a good cup of tea, and puppies.