By Brooke Luby
Maybe I am crazy or schizophrenic, but lately I have been more aware of the fact that I am a physical and a spiritual being. It’s like I have been able to separate the two, and see who I am really am.
How many people in the world are happy when they stand in front of a mirror? I wonder how many people work hard to make their bodies a certain shape, to buy certain clothes to hide them or show them off. I’ve been thinking about about how weird it is, I am this person trapped in skin.
But it’s so much more then that. I long to have someone see beneath my skin. We all want that. It’s the inner core of being human. We all want to be known so bad.
What are bodies really? Just a bunch of skin and bones and fat cells, yet somehow we find them beautiful. I am still not used to that idea, the reality that I am really beautiful. After all, I spent more of my life building the idea in me that I this shell I lived in was not beautiful, that I would never be enough, never be “her,” that I needed to change. I am used to being so upset with myself, but not know how to fix it, not think that there was anything I could even do to fix it, I would always be so awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin, that’s what I am used to.
This new me, this alive me, this confident me, I haven’t quite grappled with the reality that that really is me. I still feel like that little girl hiding so no one will notice her, but at the same time dying for someone to notice, all of her, really see her.
I think I can maybe finally see myself as beautiful, from the inside first, then bleeding out to the exterior.
I think about how sad lust is, because it is such a lie. It’s such a lie because it’s not the whole package. To want someone’s body- someone’s skin and bones and fat cells, someone’s physical-ness, but not really see the mind, heart, spirit that makes them who they are- that’s tragedy. Yet, I do that. I am not just talking about sexual attraction, I am talking about not seeing people for who they really are. I am talking about judging people based on what they look like, then treating them a certain way. This game of elevating people above me, or elevating myself above people.
I am talking about not being in awe at the fact that this person is a miracle and not treating them like they are.
I mean, what if I really just loved my neighbor? Wouldn’t that be enough?
Man judges by outward appearance, but God sees that heart.
Do you ever think how incredible that is? God sees the heart.
I watched this new reality show on ABC, “Dating in the Dark.” I have to be snobby now and profess this with a disclaimer that I usually DON’T watch reality shows, let alone dating ones. (Actually, I don’t really watch TV. Just stupid Youtube videos, Hulu and LOST.) Anyway, I had to watch this show because psychological experiment aspect of it intrigued me. Put people that have never met in a dark room with each other and see how they will connect without having any idea what the other looks like. No first impressions, no physical attraction to lean on, just pure personality. Weird, but fascinating. It was interesting to see who decided to go with the initial connection they had made and continue a relationship once they saw what the other person looked like. It was also interesting to see how people seemed to skip the small talk and go straight to the deep stuff in their conversations in the dark.
Doesn’t everyone want someone to see them for who they really are? See beneath your skin?
The crazy thing is: God already does.
I can say this over and over. It’s another thing to truly believe it.
Sometimes I am so aware of the fact that God knows me completely and loves me fully. Sometimes that glimpse is enough to help me put aside all my questions, my struggles, my frustrations. My neediness.
I want people to see me, but I need to see people.
I don’t think we can really see until our eyes are opened. Our eyes are dirty and pussy and crusted over and must be bathed in the pure water of His complete acceptance and love.
Then we will see beyond our own bodies, and other peoples.
Then the windows to our souls will be sparkling clean and we will be able to see what’s really inside a person, what’s really inside ourselves.
And it will be beautiful.
Brooke lives in the middle of nowhere in east Texas, trying to live, understand, and write about grace. She makes great pasta salad. Check out her blog.