(Editor’s note: This is an excerpt from my time in Malaysia during Month 6 of The World Race. I’m currently still in the field beginning Month 9)
I came to Malaysia to ATL the month and win souls for the gospel. I was convinced we would see signs and miracles. I had a feeling we might see healings and I just knew we were the bright lights the Malays needed. I was proud of my team and pumped for the 5 week month.
So why the hopeless feeling creeping in on me?
I’ve watched my pride dance around the way flames tinge the embers of a fire. I’ve seen it trick me as it masqueraded as humility and I’ve watched helplessly as one sickness, bug or infection has ravaged my body in lame attempts to take me out.
Today, on my rooftop, I shared a vision. It was me as a little girl and I was crying these gut wrenching tears as I walked into Jesus’ presence. I was holding something in my hands that was very precious to me and I told Him that He could have it.
I felt tears clouding my vision. I felt this ache in my heart and I had a breakthrough. I realized I was holding onto a sense of rejection. Often when you operate from a place of pain rather than freedom it can manipulate your motives. It throws you off course and makes it impossible to completely rest in His presence when a doorway of lies is ushering in filth.
When I realized what was happening its like a bulb went off in my head.
Time for a breakup.
We live a pretty western life this month. Sure, we don’t have AC or an oven but we’ve got Starbucks, Internet and running water. I’ve been living in a twilight zone of being present with my team yet being lost in my own thoughts. For the first time, I have feared the future. I’ve been scared of what’s next. I kept thinking, If I cant make a difference in Malaysia then how the heck will I survive America?
Sitting here, I can’t help but think of that cheesy saying…
It’s not you, it’s me.
Corniest breakup line ever. But for real, it’s not like Jesus is loose from the loony bin- I’m the one who has been entertaining these thoughts and not kicking them back to the gates of hell. I’m the only one who can allow myself to be shaken off the rock on which I stand. Jesus created in me to be unshakeable, unmovable; to have roots that are so deeply entrenched in His love that as storms roll in, I hit my knees. I’m thrilled to remember He pours unlimited grace on me so that when things happen that shatter my reality, I can heal, love and learn without an ounce of condemnation attached.
I didn’t notice when Althea died that rejection reared it’s nasty head back in my life. A soul wound long since healed was ripped open and became gangrene yellow on the walls of my heart.
In my human mind, I loved yet I lost. And because I lost, I felt bitter rejection.
My pride was a bandaid but it got ripped off and the scab crumbled too within these city limits. Week one I asked Jesus to make me feel again like I did in Tondo. I wanted to be desperate for Him like I depend on my next breath and guess what?
He answered my prayer.
(Why I ever act shocked amuses me and keeps my angels busy)
So I had a breakup last night. I couldnt wait to end this nasty relationship…I broke the freakin rejection off me in Jesus name! It doesn’t have an ounce of authority over my life and it had to go! We prayed and man, afterwards I felt exhausted yet renewed. Winded but refreshed.
I’m stoked this is happening in a real life setting. Malay is like America in some aspects and its good to know that God speaks to me wherever I am–not just in the slums with the poorest of the poor all around.
God didn’t reject me. Its false to think He did. He’s not annoyed that I’m not perfect. He kinda digs that I’m quirky and He love, love, loves that I can’t function without Him beside me.The stuff we’ve seen isn’t a display of rejection towards all mankind but rather a reminder of just how awesome His grace truly is.
He still loves my sassy little self more than anything in the universe.
I can’t control life or the punches that roll out but I can capture my thoughts and throw them on His lap.
To put it bluntly I’m going to fight my ass oops I mean bottom off because I’m not going to watch me or any of my teammates go down in flames.
We don’t give up. We don’t give in. We rise up, fix our hair, pluck our eyebrows and walk in the greatness He has for us. We might buy some new jeans every now and then to pump us up but most days, even just 10 minutes with the Holy Spirit fuels us for no matter what happens.
This year has flipped us upside down and spit us out on concrete. When the rubber hits the road you have two choices. You either roll over and get hit by a chicken bus or you lace up your tennis shoes and keep running.
I’ll never arrive until I’m in heaven and I’m pretty thrilled His grace is like an avalanche that I can ski on as I hiccup, puke or face plant and continue learning what it means to be His Hands and Feet.
To live like Him, seek Him, find Him.
The Lord gave me this the other day and it’s still ringing in my ears and resonating in my heart…
There isn’t a piece of spiritual armor for our backs because that’s God’s spot. He is behind us, propelling us forward as His glory is displayed through our lives. But since we are standing in front of it, sometimes our humanness blocks the extravagance of His greatness. When we are down on our faces, in total reverence and awe of how utterly and completely dependent we are on Him, that is when His glory is no longer blocked by us. His glory isn’t just shining around us, its literally shining through and reigning above us. His glory consumes us. It takes its rightful place at center stage in the Throne Room. It’s exalted far more spectacularly than we can imagine as it radiates off our backs in His presence…
I feel like being on my face can be painful or flat out uncomfortable but picturing it as God’s presence exploding off my back and over my life makes it not only sweet but worth it in every since of the word.